Sunday, February 6, 2011

Is she you?

Is she you? Now I'm old school. Back in the day the fellas and I would be checking out some girls and we would ask each other, "Is she you?" What was meant by this phrase was whether this particular young lady would be a good match for the young man checking her out. A sad reality is that most men are not with a woman who truly compliments their personality, their goals, indeed their very being. To make it simple most men are not with the right woman.

The majority of men who are in relationships or just dating are dealing with women that the men consider, shall we say, less than optimal. These women may have a negative disposition, a boring personality and in most cases physically unappealing. The one positive about these types of women is that they are receptive to the man, at least to some extent. Ask yourself, how often have you seen a fairly decent man with some overweight, ugly woman with a bad attitude? The reason you see this constantly is that the woman will at least have sex with the man. The man in this case is simply settling for sex to the point he will put up with the other negatives. The man may feel like he can do no better.

On the other hand there are some men with women who are drop-dead gorgeous with beautiful faces and killer bodies. This is what most men want right? There's still a problem. A beautiful woman is great when you first get one. You're feeling good and men envy you. Then after being with her awhile you start finding out that all that glitters is not gold. You find out that once you get beyond the pretty package, you and this woman have nothing in common. It's kinda like that car that looks good in the showroom but once you take it off the lot you find yourself in the repair shop every other week. The relationship becomes more of a burden than you thought it would be. You hang in there though because she looks so good.

It's very important that a man focuses his energy on finding the right woman. Now I understand that every now and then we might have to make that midnight call. Sometimes that dumpy woman is one who will be available at two in the morning. It is good for the ego to get with the sexy woman every other man is sweating. When we're talking long term or a woman who truly compliments the MAN, fellas have to exercise care in finding the right one.

Now I know some men reading this may think they have to put a facade to get certain women but a man can be who he is and still find the right one. In my books I don't ask that a man shed traits he thinks aren't appealing to women. My books simply ask that you add to the foundation that you have already established. A man must always focus on finding someone who fits with HIS personality and life goals. Trust me, a man can still get a beautiful and complimentary woman this way. I'll use my own experiences as an example.

Now in my player days I practically lived in the gym. So I had the confidence, the looks, the body, and the educational/professional status. I was also a big science fiction fan and comic book geek. Most men would hide their geeky side and show only the confidence, education, and looks. I showed all sides and still got the women. Women would call me up to talk and I would tell them, "Call me back, I'm watching Star Trek." Sometimes I would take a woman to the comic book store with me. The interesting thing I found though was that there are a great many drop-dead gorgeous women who are science fiction fans and comic book geeks too. My wife has a small comic book collection and is a big fan of Buffy - The Vampire Slayer. It was a drop-dead gorgeous woman, who was a 9 on a bad day, who told me to check out The X-Files many years ago.

My point is that I invested time and energy in women who fit the MAN I represented. I never tried to be cool and fit a woman's reality. No man can truly do that. The man either clicks with woman or he doesn't.

So the question all men need to ask themselves, "Is she you?"

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Nice Guys and Players - Ten Years Later

Wow. It’s been ten years since the publication of my book, Nice Guys and Players – Becoming The Man Women Want. What a ride it’s been since I picked up 1000 copies from the printer on September 22, 2000. The next day I sold the first seven copies of the book at a singles party held at a private home. One of the things I remember about that party was a man, who came across as a Nice Guy, telling me in an almost condescending manner that the book would never sell. I just nodded my head like I do when people say crazy things in my presence and kept on selling. Ten years and 20,000 copies in print later I’m still nodding my head.

It was an interesting journey to the publication of Nice Guys and Players. Even though the book was published in September 2000, the journey began in January 1996. I was working on a corporate job, but I also had a publishing company on the side with a small novella and a short story in pamphlet form as my only publications. I had a vending opportunity that was coming up and I wanted to have something else to sell. I came up with a twelve-page pamphlet called Finding a Good Man. It was simply my thoughts on what a Black woman needed to do to find a good man. I saw the pamphlet as simply something extra to sell for only a dollar. I didn’t expect that big a response.

Finding a Good Man sold like hotcakes. That little pamphlet that I printed myself with a laser printer in my Grandmother’s living room took me a long way. A Washington, DC public access TV producer got a copy and invited me on his show, Love and Happiness, to interview me about the pamphlet. I ended up doing several shows and at one time had an opportunity to become the host of the show. That’s another story for another day.

Now as I was promoting Finding a Good Man, something interesting started to happen. Men would walk up to me and tell me they needed something to help them to find a good woman. At first, I didn’t take the men seriously but when a few dozen start saying the same thing I paid attention. At that time, I didn’t have an idea that some men had major problems getting women. I knew some men were definitely better at it than others but I had trouble grasping the concept that any man had really serious issues dealing with women. The reason was that my peer group at the time was composed of primarily players and men in long term relationships. It was at that time I started to dig deep and started talking to men outside of my peer group. As I dug deeper I discovered that many men I knew in the past weren’t the players I thought they were. Out of these efforts came a pamphlet called Nice Guys Guide: Attracting and Meeting Beautiful Women.

Nice Guys Guide didn’t have the success of Finding a Good Man. One reason was that I didn’t push it as hard. Despite the research I didn’t think men needed such a pamphlet. When it did sell I noticed something very interesting. The men who did buy Nice Guys Guide were always the ones who looked like they didn’t need the information. In fact, one associate at the time, who I thought to be a player, bought it, “to support a brotha”, and would then continually ask questions. A couple of other men would do the same thing. I started thinking, maybe I needed to take this more seriously.

I decided at that point to write a more substantial book. In the fall of 1999 I published 300 copies of Nice Guys and Players – Becoming the Man Black Women Want. I limited the first printing because I wanted to test the waters to get a reaction. The first copies were purchased by older Black women who confirmed everything I had written. The first men who purchased the book were true players. These players also confirmed everything I had written. So I decided to upgrade the cover, which quite frankly was cheap looking, and go for a more substantial print run.

In the summer of 2000 as I was preparing Nice Guys and Players for publication I had an experience that would change the direction of the book. I was at a pool party at a good friend’s house. It was a multi-racial grouping of people. I got into a conversation about male/female relationships with several white and Asian women. This was a four hour conversation. Up to that point the focus of my writings had been on Black relationships. Then, as now, there was more of a focus in the public media about the problems in Black male/female relationships. Here I had a group of young, white and Asian women, basically saying word for word what young and old Black women were saying. After that conversation I went home and did a heavy edit on the text of Nice Guys and Players. I deleted most of the specific references to Black relationships. Nice Guys and Players – Becoming the Man Black Women Want became Nice Guys and Players – Becoming the Man Women Want.

So now the book had been published and it sold relatively slow at first. I sold a few hundred copies between September 2000 and February 2001. I was thinking “okay that didn’t go over well.” I was just going to sell out the run and move on to other projects. Then in late February 2001 there was a surge in Internet book sales. Surfing the net I found both good and bad reviews of my book. Apparently people became very interested in what I had to say. The rest as they say is history.

The premise of Nice Guys and Players is very simple. Women have dual sexual needs. One is the need for sexual gratification. They need a man who can arouse and satisfy them physically. The other need is social gratification. This includes emotional and social compatibility. Players can provide the sexual gratification but may lack in the social area. Nice Guys can provide emotional and social compatibility but fail to arouse women sexually. As a result of this dynamic many women will have two men in their lives: one to provide social compatibility and the other to provide sexual gratification. In the introduction of Nice Guys and Players I use the following example:

Larry and Christa have been dating for three months. Larry is nice and respectful to Christa. He helps her shop for food and makes sure that her car is always clean and filled with gas. He always takes her to the restaurant of her choice. Larry calls when he says that he will. He never gets mad if Christa says she is going to hang out with the girls. Larry even gives her money to spend. Larry has a good job, clean apartment in a good neighborhood, and a dependable car. He dresses cleanly and appropriately despite being somewhat pudgy. He volunteers to mentor young fatherless boys and is viewed as a role model by many people. Christa’s parents think Larry would make a great son-in-law. What’s missing from Larry and Christa’s relationship is they have yet to be intimate. Christa told Larry she wanted to wait until they were married before having sex. Larry, although turned on by Christa, understands and doesn’t pressure her. After one date, Larry kisses Christa and goes home thinking he has found a great woman. He dreams about the day they will be married. He fantasizes about how he will make love to her slowly and romantically.

Once Larry is gone, Christa pages Patrick. Patrick answers the page. Than Christa invites him to come over to her apartment despite the fact it’s after midnight. When Patrick arrives he is wearing an oversized shirt, baggy jeans, and boots. He looks like a model right out of a hip-hop magazine. Christa had on a red teddy. As soon as Patrick gets in the door he starts taking off his clothes. Christa gets hot over the sight of Patrick’s hardbody. Patrick wastes no time in having sex with Christa. He takes off her teddy, starts having sex with her right on the couch. The sex is hot and intense. Christa feels like she is in heaven. After the sex Patrick gets up, puts on his clothes and leaves. No foreplay, no afterplay, barely a kiss. Christa doesn’t mind because she always screams out in orgasm with Patrick.

Nice Guys and Players Pages 12-13

The man women will be most attracted to is the man who can satisfy both a woman’s social needs AND her carnal needs. The man will be a balance of a Nice Guy and a Player. The man will be the type that can stay employed, be respectful, and most importantly be socially acceptable to a woman’s peers and community. Behind closed doors this man will tap that ass like a pro and have the woman floating from multiple orgasms. Women express this desire for a balanced man when they make statements such as: “I want a corporate thug.” “I want Tupac with a degree.” “I want a nice guy who’s a little rough around the edges.” It’s really no different from a man who says he wants a lady in public and a freak in the bedroom.

Now in the ten years that Nice Guys and Players has been on the market I have made some fascinating observations about the people who have purchased the book. The overwhelming percentage of women I’ve gotten feedback from enjoyed the book. They felt I captured their true desires in what they wanted in a man. The feedback from men has been mixed which I found to be very interesting. The greatest criticisms about my book have come from self-proclaimed Nice Guys and wannabe players. They have been the most critical. One critic actually said that I must not know how to get women. My wife had a good laugh from that one. What really surprised me was the reaction of real Players. They loved the book.

Nice Guys and Players was not just about a Nice Guy becoming more attractive to women but a Player becoming more attractive to the woman he wants to settle with. Many women will have sex with a Player but will not want to be seen in public with him. This presents a problem if the man develops feelings for a woman. Players are still human. There is an interesting dynamic with Players. Typically a Player can get all the women except the one he actually wants. In fact, many men become Players when a woman they loved rejected them. Another dynamic is that many Players are simply tired of their lifestyle. I’ve lost count of how many Players have talked to me privately about changing their behavior. They embraced the book more so than the Nice Guys because they understood the need for balance.

Honestly Nice Guys rejecting the book has been my only frustration. The men I wrote the book for reject it the most. Ah well, I know for certain Nice Guys and Players has helped thousands of men and women to develop positive relationships and quite frankly that’s all any writer can hope for in the end. Before ending this blog post I want to mention one man in particular the book helped. I’ll call him “Heru.” When I met Heru he was a skinny young man who had very little intimate contact with women before he got my book. Heru is one of the few Nice Guys who embraced my book wholeheartedly. He followed my advice to the letter. Heru went from a man who couldn’t get the time of day from women to someone who has women walking up to him telling him they want him sexually. He has definite player skills now but he never lost that part of him that was a Nice Guy. Heru embodies the principles of Nice Guys and Players perfectly.

It’s been a powerful ten years with Nice Guys and Players. I look forward to the next ten years to see the further impact of this powerful book.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

The Consequences of the Black Female Selection Criteria

In my book, Nice Guys and Players, I talk about how women of all races and classes have a tendency to put men into two general categories for dating and relationship purposes: select and non-select. The men in the select category are the ones judged by women as having sex appeal, or a respected status in society. The men in the non-select category are the ones who lack sex appeal and status. I’ve been presenting the select/non-select model for roughly twelve years and not one woman has rejected the classifications. In fact, over the years, women of different races and classes have provided me with a deeper understanding of their selection criteria. In conversations and seminars discussing the issue the focus has mostly been on the men in the select category. I have observed over the years that women in general and Black women in particular have expressed very little, if any, concern about the men in the non-select category. With regard to relationships in the Black community this has very profound consequences.

There has been much discussion in the mainstream media regarding the dating/relationship dilemmas of “successful Black women.” Regardless of how the discussions are framed it always comes down to a supposed shortage of “good Black men.” It would be more accurate to say that there isn’t really a shortage of “good Black men,” but rather a shortage of Black men in the select category. The Black men in the select category represent at best thirty-five (35) percent of the American Black male population. So what about the other sixty-five (65) percent of Black men who are judged as non-select? What’s the deal with them? Let’s examine this group a little more closely.

The Black men in the non-select category don’t have the movie star looks or the raw sex appeal of some of the men in the select category. The non-select Black men don’t have the money and high status as the other men in the select group. These men are average-looking at best. They work a steady job at best. For the most part the Black men in the non-select group are ordinary men just trying to make their way in world like anyone else. Many of these men have qualities that would make them great husbands and fathers. Over the years many Black women have confided in me that they have met several non-select men who they knew would make good husbands. Many Black women will even seek these men out as they get older and wiser and quite frankly after they have been dogged by enough of the select men. This is where the dire consequences of the Black female selection criteria become most apparent. The non-select Black men are not sitting around waiting for Black women to open their eyes.

Most Black men at the very least have an idea about the Black female selection criteria though most will frame the issues in a form which makes sense to them. For the blue collar brotha he may observe that Black women seem to only go for thugs. For the college brotha he may observe that Black women seem to go for frat boys and athletes. For the brotha in the corporate mailroom he may see Black women going for the suit and tie executives. Black men in the non-select category respond to these scenarios in several general ways.
The most visible way, non-select Black men respond to the selection criteria is to seek out interracial relationships. I have spoken in depth with Black men involved in interracial relationships both casually and as research for an unpublished book. The common denominator I have always found was a feeling of being rejected by Black women. Men regardless of race and class will always gravitate to the groups of women who are most receptive to them. For example, many American White men will seek out Asian women or other foreign women.

Speaking of foreign women there is a growing subculture of Black men, both select and non-select who are involved in sex tourism. They are going on vacations to places like Brazil and the Dominican Republic. I’ve read some articles in the media which suggest that most of these men have wives and girlfriends in the states and try to characterize their trips as cheating. The reality of this subculture is that for the most part these men are single. These men will work very hard in their jobs in the states and then for relaxation spend time in other countries. Many will seek out and marry foreign women. Many American Black women believe that Black men are only seeking out White, Hispanic or Asian women. What’s not talked about is that many Black men, particularly those judged non-select, seek out Black women from South America, the Caribbean, or Africa.

There is a segment of non-select Black men who work to become a part of the select group. They hit the gym, they improve their social status, and they start making big money. They become a part of a subset of the select group allegorically called “Masked Men.” Masked Men don’t have the raw sex appeal of the other subset of the select called “Mr. Goodbar.” The Masked Man’s main appeal is his status and money. Also many will be considered handsome but lacking that x-factor referred to as “swagger.” Masked Men will seek out relationships with American Black women but there is a catch. Masked Men by nature are very elitist. Masked Men tend to prefer Black women who would rate very high as far as physical attractiveness first and foremost. They also prefer Black women who are upper middle class or above. Black women with certain hairstyles, wrong social class, weight issues, children or in some cases too old are unacceptable to Masked Men. In general, Masked Men want women who look like models. An irony is that many “successful Black women” are rejected by Masked Men.

The worse consequence of the Black female selection criteria is that there is a growing group of men who are simply withdrawing from the dating scene. These men have been trampled over by women in their mad rush to get to Mr. Goodbar. These men can’t or won’t date interracially. They lack the means to travel overseas. They don’t have the money to climb into the select. These men simply work and go home. They may hang out every now and then with other equally frustrated Black men. There are several Internet message boards which cater to this group. The bottom line is that they are not available in any way to lonely black women.

A law of the universe is that for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. Some people would say what goes around comes around. Many Black women feel that because they have an education, a decent job, a house, and car, they are justified in having certain criteria. As a result of this criteria, many Black women are spending their nights alone or at the mercy of a ruthless player. If Black women as a group are serious about finding loving mates, instead complaining about the “shortage of good Black men” they need to do some self-examination and determine how their personal actions may have contributed to the problem. Many Black women passed over good men in their youth. That muscular brotha with the nice clothes walking down the street with a White woman was once a skinny kid dressed like Steve Urkel. That brotha driving a Mercedes with a $1000 suit once wore second hand clothes and took the bus. The non-select Black men that were rejected eventually get to the point where they are the ones doing the rejecting. The female selection criteria is merely the first part of a vicious cycle of rejection.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Culture Clash in Black Relationships

Any discussion of relationships that does not take into account class status or adopted class behavior is a joke. – George Subira, author of “Money Issues in Black Male/Female Relationships.”

Lately the mainstream media has focused on the plight of successful Black women in their quest to find compatible mates on their “level.” It’s been good for ratings and it has spurred much discussion on the internet and in live forums. Questionable statistics are quoted and the argument usually boils down to Black men not having their “stuff” together. The interesting thing that I’ve seen with these forums is that people will actually walk away from them without any viable solutions. From my vantage point, the problem is that these discussions are way too superficial. These panels are not looking at all facets of the problem. Many questions can be answered by simply going below the surface. It’s not that there’s a shortage of Black men or even a shortage of Black men on a certain level. What the women need to be saying is that there is shortage of Black men in their particular social group.

There is a tendency to treat Black America as one big entity in relationships but in other areas we are quick to point out the differences between social groups within the community. These differences, whether based on economic class, politic leanings, lifestyles, or religious preferences affect the relationship protocols of individuals. Thus when a Black woman with advanced degrees says there’s not enough men on her level she is really talking about more than her educational attainment though this is what she may state publicly. Privately men are not meeting the criteria of her social circle. For example, she may meet a handsome man with advanced degrees but she will still reject him. Why? Although man meets some of her criteria, his political philosophy and religious affiliation differs greatly from her beliefs.

Much of the relationship conflict in the Black community is a culture clash between people trying to relate to people outside of their subculture. In many cases the clash is a result of people trying to force someone into their particular subculture. I’ve seen numerous examples of this over the years. I remember years ago I participated in several message board discussions on the subject of “Black Christian women and Conscious Black men.” Though there are many definitions of “conscious” in the context of these discussions “conscious” referred primarily to Black men who followed spiritual and religious traditions based on Afrikan Spirituality in general and Kemetic beliefs in particular. One general sentiment expressed by the Christian women on the thread was that though they admired the conscious brothas on many levels they would never consider being in a serious relationship with one because the men rejected Christianity. This is something that is not discussed in public relationship forums because in general people don’t want to discuss religion and politics. We’re going to have to get over that if we seriously want to solve the problems.

The thing is that these subcultures and social groups do not always have an equal distribution of Black men and women. Using the example of Christian Black women it is well known that churches in the Black community are predominantly female. If a woman wants a Christian man she may run into difficulties. There are, however, social groups in which Black men are predominant. Two examples from my own life come to mind. Back in December 1992 I went to reception for a third party presidential candidate. To put it mildly he ran on a radical platform. What struck me about the reception was that there were over one hundred positive Black men in attendance. Every single man there was working on some program to uplift the Black community. There were only FOUR Black women in attendance. I always remember that event because even back then there was talk of the shortage of “Good Black Men.”

On the other end of the spectrum there was a time I did a book signing at a nightclub in Washington, DC. I was set up in the exclusive section of the club where members had to pay a hefty yearly fee for access. There was even a private elevator for the section. The members were mostly affluent Black men who were professionals or business owners. There were only two women there who were members. Most of the other women in the section were hostesses and servers. In this particular social circle men were predominant.

There are two things that should come from what I’ve just written. One, the Black relationship discussion needs to go beyond being the same old trite quoting of dubious statistics and really needs to go deeper into subjects we may be uncomfortable talking about. A person cannot be separated from their life philosophy be it political, socio-economic, or religious. To solve the problems these things must be discussed. Two, it should be evident that the best place to find a compatible mate is within one’s social circle. If there is a shortage of mates within that social circle, it becomes necessary to either expand your personal social circle or examine the protocols of one’s particular social circle if they are not fulfilling one’s personal needs.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Metaphysic Origins of Dysfunctional Relationships

The following is an excerpt from the workbook for the workshop I present, "More Than Luck - Finding the Right Mate Metaphysically." This section discusses the metaphysic origins of dysfunctional relationships.


Negative Social Forces

If everyone mated with people who resembled their Sexual Id, there would be no relationship problems. Unfortunately relationships have become so dysfunctional that a healthy relationship may be considered abnormal. The drive to unite with our Sexual Id is programmed into our DNA. Our natural instincts would lead us to our permanent soulmate while still in our teens. What happens is that there are several forces in society that interfere with our natural instincts. The social environment seeks to impose its own agenda.

Three primary forces shape the social environment: Religion, Government, and the Media.

Religion interferes with natural programming because sexuality in many religious systems is associated with sin. People with a strong desire to mate with their Id may feel guilty for having sexual thoughts outside the context of marriage. They may feel these thoughts offend God. This fear doesn’t really go away even when the person gets married because by then the fear has become embedded in their spirit.

Government, in this regard, includes the political system, and public educational methods. Most laws are enacted to serve the interests of the elite. Most teaching methods focus on the left-brain modalities that have little or no bearing on real life. People are generally not taught to think. Right-brain qualities, which include the ability to relate successfully with other people, are rarely taught or even encouraged.

The media uses sexuality to sell everything from toothpaste to outdoor grills. It is also used to program people into following the agenda of different elite groups. This causes people to associate sexual gratification with the acquisition of certain products.

As a result of the interference of these three social forces the population has split into two camps as far as how their sexuality is expressed on a subconscious level: The Sensual Bohemians and the Reverent Intelligentsians.

Subconscious Sexual Orientations

There are two sexual drives within all humans. One drive is the one we are all familiar with, the carnal sex drive. This is pure lust. This is the drive that compels us to procreate and seek physical gratification. There is also a second drive that is just as important, the spiritual sex drive. This is the desire to unite with someone based on emotional and intellectual compatibility.

For a relationship to truly succeed both the carnal and spiritual sex drives must be in balance. As a result of the social environment people either become too carnal in their sexual expression or too spiritual. People who are more carnal in their sexual expression are called Sensual Bohemians. People who are more spiritual in their sexual expression are referred to as Reverent Intelligentsians.

Sensual Bohemians are people who primarily seek physical gratification in their relationships. Their entire lifestyle will be geared towards this end. They tend to focus more on materialism. In the community these are the playas and the divas. You will more likely find a bohemian in a club or gym as opposed to a church. Bohemians wear their clothes as a magnet. This means their clothes will draw attention to them in a sexual manner. The ultimate bohemian is a prostitute.

A key factor with Bohemians is that it is difficult for them to pass up short-term pleasure even if it means long-term pain. Thus a bohemian male may have a one-night with his wife’s sister even though this may break up his marriage. Bohemians allow their sex drive to overcome good sense.

Reverent Intelligentsians are the opposite of the Bohemians in that they do have control over their sex drive but a little too much control. Intelligentsians subconsciously have a fear in relation to their sex drive. They relate to their mates based more companionship than raw physical attraction. In the community these are the religious fanatics, the critics, and the prudes. The intelligentsians do not radiate sexual charisma even if people otherwise consider them physically beautiful or handsome. They tend to dress in way that deflects sexual attention. The ultimate intelligentsian is a nun.

Fear prevents an intelligentsian from fully experiencing physical gratification. Their sexual energy is bottled up and stifled.

Imbalance of Masculine and Feminine Energy

The social environment also causes imbalances with regard to the expression of masculine and feminine energy by a particular individual.

A woman expressing her feminine energy in a natural manner would be passive, receptive, flexible, and nurturing in reaction to masculine energy. The social environment creates two classes of women:
· Women who are too defensive to male energy. They are defensive even in situations where they should be receptive. These women are more yang orientated.
· Women who are too receptive to the wrong type of masculine energy. These women are receptive when they should be defensive. These women are more yin orientated.

A man expressing his masculine energy in a natural manner would be active, aggressive, assertive, and protective in reaction to feminine energy. The social environment creates two classes of men:
· Men who are too aggressive towards women. Women to them are sex objects or possessions to be won. They do not take the general well being of women into consideration. These men are more yang orientated.
· Men who are not aggressive enough with women. They are not assertive when they need to be or when women what them to be. Women are unfulfilled with them. These men are more yin orientated.

Subcultural Relationship Protocols

Though many factors are taken into consideration when discussing love relationships, one factor that is rarely discussed is the subcultural background of people trying to relate to each other. Their attempts to relate are not only shaped by their individual personalities but by subcultural norms. These subcultural norms are formed by a myriad of factors such as city of residence, neighborhood, economic status, spiritual practices, household culture, musical preferences, etc, etc. For example a man and woman may be perfectly compatible on an Id level and yet may not be able to engage in a functional relationship. The man’s subcultural group is made up of people who are generally underclass with no respect for institutions such as churches, schools, or government. Life for this subcultural group is “survival of the fittest by any means necessary.” The woman’s subcultural group is made up of people who support spiritual institutions, believe in formal education, and accept governmental authority. Life for this group is one of conformity. Whether we realize it or not we view potential mates through the lens of our subculture. Sometimes this may be a good thing if there are several Id compatible potential mates in a one’s subculture. Most often, a person’s subculture may not contain enough compatible potential mates or the subculture itself may be dysfunctional to the point that it does not promote positive relationships.

The Imprinting Process

The imprinting process is extremely important to a person’s relationship experience. When a child reaches puberty there is a strong primal drive to engage in sexual activity. Girls will have the desire to mate with an alpha male and boys will have a desire to mate with the alpha females in their environment. There will also be a tendency to seek out mates who in spirit resemble their opposite sex parents. The imprinting process is different for males and females.
A female is imprinted in her womb. Sex is more than a physical event for females though this is a key to the imprinting process. They are not only physically taking in the man’s penis but they are also taking in his masculine energy. The girl’s womb will record the specific energy of the first two or three men to penetrate her and will tailor her feminine energy to respond specifically a composite of this masculine energy in the future. This can be a good thing but most often it’s a bad thing. For example, if the woman’s first three experiences were with men who were outstanding individuals with good intentions towards her, she will not only be attracted to these types of men in the future but her spirit will attract these men to her. If, however, the first three experiences were with negative men, her spirit will be attracted to men with negative traits.

The male is imprinted in a different way. When the young boy reaches puberty he will have a desire to mate with the alpha females in his environment. These will usually be the girls who are most physically and sexually attractive. The male’s imprint is determined by acceptance or rejection of the alpha females. The male is further imprinted by the first female with whom he has sex. In this situation, the female’s energy does not penetrate the male in a physical way. It’s more of a matter of whether the female was an alpha female in his eyes and what he had to do to get her. This imprint affects how the male will view females in the future and how he will interact with them. Most males were rejected by alpha females as teenagers or young adults. This has repercussions on their future interactions with women.

The Mask

From the moment we are born we are subject to several outside forces which create in our spirit false beliefs which cause us to develop a false persona. This false persona or mask overwrites our natural programming and thus interferes with our ability to engage in functional relationships. Indeed the mask prevents us from recognizing truly compatible mates because we can’t see through their mask and they can’t see through ours. People are not relating to each other on an authentic level. They are relating to a person’s income level, their educational status, their work personality, their credit score, and the shoes they wear. In many cases relate to one another based solely their physical appearance. People put on the mask to protect themselves and to succeed in the machine culture of the west. A major issue is that many people wear the mask so much that even if they consciously took off the mask, they will look in the mirror and discover that their true faces now look resemble the mask.

Monday, April 12, 2010

I Didn't Know I Was A Thug

This past week I made a great realization. I discovered I’m a thug. Imagine the look on my wife’s face when I shared this revelation with her. After she finished rolling on the floor laughing for five minutes, I helped her up and handed her a tissue to wipe the tears from her eyes. I mean, I don’t have the common mentality of a thug nor a criminal record. I don’t wear earrings or have tattoos and I’m well-versed in the use of a belt. Nevertheless, I’m a thug. It was a powerful moment of clarity. It explained a lot. Now I know why Black women have for the most part shown me love all of my life, whether for friendship, support, and especially in the bedroom. It was because I’m a thug. At least according to the prevailing wisdom of many self-identified “Good Black Men.”

I spend a lot of time surfing the Internet monitoring message boards, blogs, and online videos with the express purpose to see what’s going on with Black male/female relationships. In the real world, I spend a lot of time talking with people and reading books and articles about this particular subject. It’s more business than anything else as I’m the author of two relationship books, Nice Guys and Players and Sexual Chemistry. I’m more about seeking solutions than anything else. In order to seek those solutions I need to know what’s going on.

I’ve been noticing an interesting trend in the last few years of many “Good Black Men” saying that Black women only want thugs. Now I find this interesting because I made out like a bandit with the sistas when I single. I must have been a thug. Here all this time I thought it was because I filled out a suit, had nice eyes, and had those little things called degrees from major universities. At least that’s what the ladies told me. Maybe they thought I was an undercover thug with tattoos under the tailored suit. Maybe they thought the correct English was a front. That had to be it because according to the wisdom of many of the “Good Black Men” out here these women should have ignored me. You know, maybe my wife married me because she thought I would stop by the tattoo parlor one day.

I’m making fun of this issue but it’s really no laughing matter. The reality is that there are a significant number of Black men who feel like they are being overlooked and rejected by Black women because they are not thugs. There are indeed Black women who are attracted to thuggish men or at least the men who have the appearance of being thuggish but this is only a minority of women and even in these cases there are other factors to be considered.

Before I go further let me tell you a little bit about myself so you understand where I get my perspective on Black male/female relationships. I’m doing this because it has been my experience that people will try to find reasons to dismiss what I say if they disagree with my comments. They’ll commonly try to question my credentials or my life experience. My perspective on Black relationships, indeed on relationships in general come from what I’m finding to be a rather unique life experience. Despite what the media and even some Black people think, there are several subcultures within the Black community. Some of the more obvious ones are based on economic status. Thus we have the underclass which includes multigenerational families on government assistance, and those involved in petty criminal activity as a way of life. We have different levels within the workers class, which includes the working poor and those with higher paying hourly wage jobs. There is the professional class which includes individuals with advanced degrees and high paying jobs. Finally, there is the Black upper class and I don’t mean rich celebrities or athletes. We’re talking OLD Black money with family bloodlines going back to Blacks who owned other Blacks during slavery as well as free Blacks during the same period. Across these economic groupings there are several subgroups based on personal interests and especially religious beliefs. Thus if one were to take a cross section of the Black community, say a thousand people, and put them in a ballroom it would be an interesting sight. You would have a Bourgie sista wearing the hottest designer dress standing next to a Muslim brotha with a sharp tailored suit standing next to another Muslim brotha with robes standing next to a sista wearing African clothing with locs going down her back standing next to a RBG brotha wearing fatigues standing next to a brotha with his pants sagging. All of these groups have different nuances as to how they approach male/female relationships. My personal experience is unique in that I’ve spent significant time among several different subcultures within the Black community.

When I was little I lived in a housing project in California and in a poor neighborhood in Washington, DC. That was just the economic situation with my mother and sister. Now, when I look at my extended family they appeared to be rich in my eyes. My grandmother and other extended family members owned multiple properties, businesses, and when I was four, my uncle bought me a pony. In the period of a week I could go from dodging budding stick-up kids to chilling at one of my aunt’s beach properties. As I grew older I learned how to distinguish and navigate between the different social groupings within the Black community. I have applied that knowledge in both my private and professional lives. I have especially applied that knowledge in my analysis of Black male/female relationship issues. One thing I’ve seen is that most relationship “experts” view the problems through the lense of their own particular subculture but try to apply solutions to the entire community which is obviously not working. What I do is look at the big picture. I analyze the different subcultures in terms of their nuances but I also look for common factors.

In the Black community, indeed in all westernized cultures, women tend to place men in two different categories for dating and relationship purposes. For brevity purposes these categories are select and non-select. The men in the select category are those judged by women to be handsome, sexy, and have a respected status. To use the urban vernacular these men have “swagger.” The men in the non-select category are those men judged by women to be not as handsome, sexually unappealing and lacking a respected status. Of course, several factors will affect who a particular woman considers handsome and sexy. The status depends on the particular subculture. A professional woman will look at a partner at a law firm as having status while a church woman will look at a minister as having status.

Getting back to the notion that Black women want thugs, this may be the case within certain subcultures in which thuggish behavior is glorified, however, it would be inaccurate to apply this viewpoint to the entire Black female population. This is a perception based on media images and the subcultures from which most of the complaining “Good Black Men” originate. From my vantage point the most accurate statement about the overall dating preferences of Black women would be that the sistas want handsome men with swag and at least enough money to handle their business. Even Black women who genuinely desire thugs want them to be handsome with swagger. A reality is that most thugs are having as much trouble with relationships as the “Good Black Men”. Most thugs are non-select in the eyes of the average Black woman. Some sistas will SETTLE for the average thug if there are no other viable options and quite frankly many Black women would rather be single than settle with a non-select man.

Before I go further let me explain why I put the term “Good Black Man” in quotations. As I’ve explained above I’ve dealt with many subcultures and in doing so I’ve interacted with a lot of people both male and female. In my eyes many of the men running around talking about how “good” they are have serious character issues which have more to do with their lack of success with women than anything else. In my opinion, many of these men are simply failures with women and instead of doing something to improve their level of success they hate on the men who get the women and also the women who reject them. These men know deep down the women don’t see them as handsome and they know they don’t have swagger. So what do they do? They try act intellectually and morally superior to the select men. The “Good Black Men” will especially put down Black women for rejecting them. That’s really the genesis of this whole “Black women want thugs” thing. The truth about the select is difficult for most of these “good” men to handle.

The men that Black women, indeed all women, consider select are those men who are the most optimally developed on all levels. It’s not an issue of these men just being handsome with swagger even though this plays a big role. In most cases these men are also very intelligent and have a lot of drive and ambition. These are men of substance. This is not a conclusion I’m just pulling out of the air. My first real introduction to the concept of select and non-select came the summer before I started freshmen year at Archbishop Carroll in Washington, DC. I’m not sure about the school’s reputation in the present day but in the early eighties it was a prestigious institution. I went with my grandmother to see one of her friends. Her friend had maybe a few of her granddaughters at the house. These girls pretty much ignored me until my grandmother casually mentioned that I would be attending Carroll. The granddaughters got real friendly all of a sudden. It was an eye opener as to what got a response from females.

Women don’t just want a handsome man with swagger. Many women can attest to meeting a fine brotha and then get turned off when he starts talking. Depending on the character of the woman she might use the man as a boy toy but she won’t take him out with her in public. An honest look at the selectmen will reveal men with advanced degrees such as MBA’s JD’s and PhDs. You will find doctors, lawyers, accountants, ministers, and business owners. One will also encounter plumbers, carpenters, and garbage men. There will be some negative individuals in the select group but not in a greater percentage than there is in the non-select. The main thing is that there is no intellectual or moral difference between the groups. There are monogamous men in both groups and there are players in both groups. So what separates the groups? Let’s get to that.

The only difference between the select and the non-select is sex. The select/non-select paradigm is a sexual hierarchy. The Black men in the select category are simply the ones sexually desirable to most Black women. The men in the non-select fail to make the cut. There’s very little honest discussion about the true sexual desires of Black women in the public realm. In the media, the sistas will talk about the virtues they look for in men but what’s not being said is that they are looking for these virtues in men they consider sexually appealing. To be fair this is why many Black men get frustrated because many will have the virtues on some level but will still get rejected. Then the men will see a woman with a man they consider to be a thug and think that the woman is crazy. A man can’t look at another man and see what a woman sees in him. A man may see a fine sista with a man he considers to be a thug. The woman knows that her man is a doctor and in her eyes is drop dead fine.

Sex appeal to a woman is more than just physical appearance. There is also a mental component which a select man has to bring to the table. A man has to have a certain level of intelligence in order to be seen as sexually appealing to a woman. This intelligence isn’t necessarily in an academic sense though that is important to some women, but more of a social/common sense type of intelligence. A woman has to be turned on mentally and physically to truly be satisfied. A thug by nature is a negative individual who quite frankly isn’t going to appeal to most sane Black women.

This whole “Black women want thugs” idea needs to be checked for several reasons. There are a few black subcultures where this may be a reality but cannot be applied to the entire Black community. It’s an insult to most Black women, who are genuinely attracted to professional men, blue collar men, activists, or artists. It’s an insult to Black men who get love and respect from Black women on a daily basis without compromising their manhood.

Instead of trying to put down the men who get attention from women or trying put down the women for wanting certain men, the so-called “Good Black Man” needs to look in the mirror. There’s nothing wrong with rejection. Rejection is a beautiful thing because it tells a person what they need to improve on in life. The key is to learn from rejection. The most successful people in life faced a lot of rejection regardless of whether it was it was in relationships or business. Successful people take responsibility for their own lives. They don’t blame the world. They realize that there is only one thing they can control in life: the person in the mirror.